This blog isn't going to be some hate blog that decimates one sex or the other. It's going to be an accurate (more or less) account of my love life and why I think romance isn't in the cards for me. Hopefully you will find this as entertaining as I have.
As a young girl, I watched all the Disney movies. I thought that as long as I believed in the fairy tale that some day my prince would come. Every girl at one point or another has to have thought about the love of her life breaking out into song and taking her away from this provincial life...(Beauty and the Beast for all you plebs) I was under the delusion that I was special and that someone equally as special would be there for me. Entering high school was my official wake up call. Guys that I were attracted to were terrible human beings and pretended like I didn't exist. Socializing for me was awkward and I didn't know how to flirt or express interest in the opposite sex. If I am being completely honest, I still don't know really how to do that.
I went practically my entire high school career with out a serious boyfriend or real love interest. I was curious about sex though. I had seen all the movies, Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, Clueless...the sentiment was there but the actual semantics of it were lacking. I had the pining and the angst part down perfectly, now all I needed was my "Jake Ryan" to have my perfect first experience.
When you have lived the entirety of your life as a musical and wanting to be able to have all the woodland creatures help you wake up and get dressed in the morning, finding your sexuality can be difficult. In my family's household, we were raised Catholic, so in combination of the Disney mentality, I also had the same mind set that sex before marriage was wrong. I also had concocted that if my genitalia came with in inches of the opposite sex's genitalia that I would become instantaneously pregnant. Now I can't say how the average teenage girl's mind works, I can only say my own experiences and thoughts. (I also hope that no one takes my unique interpretations of sex as a result of my religious up bringing, I am sadly just that weird)
In my youth, I got along much better with boys than I did girls. Perhaps because the majority of children my age to play with were guys or maybe because my sister didn't come along until I was 6. Whatever the case may be, I have had a natural ability to speak to men. Flirting with or showing interest in, not so much. This natural ability made me a prime target for other girls my age to be cruel and talk about me behind my back, saying things like I was a slut or got around. All the while I never even saw a penis until well into my late teens and that was more of a health class situation versus one on one action.
Now some of you who know me may say that I am being pessimistic and for awhile so did I but there have been several pivotal moments in my life that make me think that romance isn't in the cards for me. There was a guy that I thought would be my first time but when I realized I wasn't ready, he got upset and didn't speak to me again. Another guy that I thought would be my boyfriend in high school gave me my first heavy petting session in a movie theater. This new adventure was exciting and dare I say taboo. He thought that because I was willing to permit this that we would go all the way but it just wasn't right. He told over half the class that we did it anyway. After this traumatic situation, I spent most of the time in school just trying to coast by and keep off the radar. I didn't want the same experiences in middle school to repeat themselves. This made it turn from the time of my life to just another time in my life.
Things were going smoothly and then came my senior year. I met a boy named Sam. He wasn't anything super special at first glance. He wasn't bad looking and did have that tall lanky thing that I very much enjoy...I digress...We were in the same English class. He always said hello to me. Our conversations became more each day. One day I found myself thinking about what Sam was doing after school. He was on the basketball team. At our high school that meant something. He knew a variety of people. He was nice and smart and funny. Suddenly I found myself thinking of him all the time. I didn't like when other girls spoke to him. I was so confused. Finally I asked my friends what this meant. They were convinced I liked him. Like, like liked him! I was shocked. I sat and thought about that all during lunch. I thought about it through the rest of my classes. I went home and thought about it. Soon that is all I was thinking about. Did I really like this guy? Would I want Sam as my boyfriend? I mean it was senior year. I had plans on going to college in a different city. I knew he was staying local. It was impractical for me to want to get involved with someone this late in the game. I made up my mind, no boyfriend.
You know that saying the heart wants what the heart wants? Imagine that times twenty. I would see him in class and my heart would race. I would think of reasons for us to hang out. I was a woman possessed. Maybe he wouldn't be my boyfriend but maybe he would be someone I could go to the movies with. Or we could go out to dinner or go to parties together or be each others prom date...good grief, I wanted him to be my boyfriend! Now that the full realization hit me of what I wanted, I needed to figure out how to go about it. In middle school, I just had guys hand me notes asking to date. Things weren't that simple any more. How does one go about letting a guy know she is interested with out coming right out and telling him? It would be super embarrassing if he found out I liked him and he didn't return my feelings. Suddenly my heart was racing for other reasons. This was too much pressure! I had other things to worry about, I couldn't let a boy take over my every thought! I discussed these matters with my friend Julie. She had a brilliant idea. She was friendly with Sam, she'd do a little detective work on my behalf. See if he was available and if he had any notion that I was into him or if he was into me. This next series of events should have given me a clue as to the path I was laying out for my self but hindsight is 20/20. Turns out the whole time Julie was talking to Sam, she was asking less for me and more for herself. They had a lot more in common than what either of them realized and soon their attraction for each other became something that they couldn't ignore. I was the last to know per usual. Julie would say that she didn't really have much to go on and that he didn't seem like he was interested in dating anyone. I was disappointed but perhaps it was better in the long run. I would meet someone in college and he would be better than Sam surely. The next day in class, Sam sat right next to me. I could feel my face flush. Shit, I wasn't over it. We started our daily chit chat and then suddenly he got closer to my person. I held my breath. Sam needed to ask me something. I sat there eyes wide. What could he want to ask me? To prom? To date? To be his future betrothed?? Imagine my shock and dismay when he told me he wanted to know more about Julie. He found that he really liked her and was thinking of asking her out. He knew it was senior year and that maybe a relationship was in the cards but he felt like she may like him. I told him that I was fairly sure she didn't (seeing as how she was my friend and clearly girl code dictates that there would be no future for them) and what would give him the impression that she was interested. He told me about all the time that they had been spending together, what with the basketball affiliation and the sort of double date they shared last weekend...what the ever loving hell??? Double date? What was that about? Julie never mentioned anything about seeing Sam last weekend. She told me that she had gone to see a movie with her brother! This was outrageous. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. She betrayed me and not only that made him like her back!! The rest of his conversation was lost on me. Soon class had started but I couldn't focus. I it felt like I could hardly breathe. How could this happen? Why would she do this to me? How could he? (granted he had no idea I was that into him) At some point during the class the teacher had asked us to break into groups and work on some mundane task. Naturally Sam wanted to be in my group so he could continue on with his ramblings about Julie. I sat there dumbstruck. He kept asking how I knew that she didn't like him. He had thought she had been flirting with him, she had kept asking all these things about his life and what he likes. So when Sam's best friend wanted to go to the movies, he had asked Sam if there was any girl he wanted to invite. He had immediately thought of Julie. Sam's best friend had a girlfriend and the two girls hit it off instantly. Sam could really see himself trying to make something work with her. As I sat here listening to all of these things, it was like a dull buzzing in my ear. I couldn't breathe. He sat there with a big stupid grin on his face talking about his amazing weekend. Finally he decided to put me out of my misery. He asked if I would talk to Julie for him. He knows how close we are and that it would be awesome if I could see if maybe I was wrong about Julie not liking him. Before I could respond the bell rang. Everyone stood up to leave and I felt like a robot just going through the motions. Sam grabbed his books and grabbed my shoulder. He smiled that brilliant grin of his and said that he'd call me later. The rest of the day was a blur. This entire situation was life's first kick in the pants when it came to romance and true love.
I couldn't understand. This wasn't how it went in the movies. Maybe that's why I have never been a huge fan of the holy Disney princess triumvirate (Snow White, Cinderella and Aurora). All these ladies were in need of a man to swoop in and make it all better. The men in my life that were supposed to be those guys did nothing but disappoint. Not that I mind a man attempting to want to take care of me or wanting to try and rescue me. I just don't need a man around all the time. I like my personal space. I like being alone. There is only one loveable weirdo in my life who I know likes being around her man all the time. We don't get into big disagreements about this love issue but I feel as if I constantly have to remind her that most love stories don't turn out like hers. You don't meet at a bar and have a random hook up and then boom 4 years later get married. Life typically doesn't work that way.
Later that night I tried to do homework. Hell I tried to do anything to keep my mind off of what felt like the end of my world. As a teen girl in high school, every event felt like a tele novella. How I pictured myself that night: sobbing hysterically, mascara running down my face, lighting candles sitting in the dark, whacking my fists into the pillows screaming WHY!!! How I probably spent my night: staring off into space, probably listening to Sweeny Todd. It's unfortunate growing up that you realize too late that your parents aren't right about everything but they aren't wrong about everything either. This one moment in my life wouldn't be the end all be all that I thought it would be at the time.
The next day was one of the first terrifying moments in my life. I hardly spoke to anyone that day. Lunch was miserable. Trying to keep this secret that I knew. Holding back anything from a close group of girls is near impossible. (If you can find that girl, you need to recruit her to the CIA. That's a sneaky ninja lady.) I just had to tell people that I was having a raging case of cramps and didn't sleep well the night before. After lunch came English class. The moment of truth. Sam came in and took his normal seat. You could almost feel the nervous energy pinging off of him. Class started and we were breaking into groups again. Sam spun my desk around for me, he was that eager. He asked how I was feeling. (He called last night but I was being very dramatic if you recall, hand to forehead "please Mr. Deville, no more close ups!" epic type fits and told my parents to hold all my calls) I said I was feeling better, just women troubles. He laughed. I wanted to punch him in the face. He wanted to scour my brain for all things Julie and if I had spoken to her any about him. I told him I hadn't really had an opportunity to speak to her. He said he understood but that if I could try to do it sooner than later, he'd really appreciate it. A few moments past and I stared at my hands. They were fidgeting with a pen. I took a deep breath and sighed. Sam looked up and asked what was up. I then proceeded to explain that I couldn't be his go between for Julie. He looked very confused and before he could ask why, I rushed out my feelings. I explained that I was the one who liked him originally, not Julie. The reason she had been sniffing around is because I was too afraid to come right out and tell him. I didn't want our friendship to become awkward if he didn't feel the same. I told him I didn't think she liked him because she knew my feelings and if she did feel something, she would never have told me. Ladies, if you ever want to see a man's mouth drop, revealing your true feelings to said unsuspecting individual is the way to go for that. I told Sam I was sorry to drop all this on him and if he didn't want us to be friends any more I would understand (yes, it's a ridiculous jump but hello, established, I am dramatic. It's part of my charm) He closed his mouth and just stared wide eyed for a moment. He looked down and sort of turned red before looking back at me. The next conversation was a knife to the chest. Sam told me how he wished I had said something. When school first started he thought I was really cute and liked talking to me. Sam said that as the days passed he couldn't tell if I was into him and so his feelings towards me became more platonic than romantic. I said I understood and that judging from Julie's lack of being helpful, she was probably into him as well, especially since she didn't tell me that they had gone to see a movie. His eyes lighting up were like a kick to the gut. He said that of course we'd still be friends and that he understood how hard that must of been for me. I smiled sweetly and played it off well, then immediately after the bell rang, I ran to the bathroom and cried.
Needless to say, my friends found out about the situation with Sam and Julie. To say that she had been black balled would have been a nice way of putting it. Kids at that age can be cruel. We don't know what loyalty really means because we haven't really had an opportunity to live. We can only go off what we have been taught and some lessons we learn don't stick. She apologized over and over. I wanted to write her off completely. I wanted to scream at her and call her names. I wanted to do something that would make her hurt just a fraction of the pain that I was going through. In the end, I couldn't. I don't have the stones for it. We had been friends since freshman year in high school. Sam on the other hand, was acting like I never had confessed anything. We still had the same conversations during class, we still hung out occasionally at after school events. It was like nothing had changed. Except he was trying to date my best friend instead of me. One day after school Julie called me. She had wanted me to know that Sam had asked her to prom. I felt sick with a huge lump in my throat. Nothing like your best friend going with the guy you are crushing on to your senior prom...John Hughes couldn't write this stuff. As I fought back the urge to yack, she continued on to say that she had told him no and had suggested that maybe he ask me. I stared at the phone like it had 4 heads. She had done what now?? Are you kidding me?? By some twist of fate, I was still in the running for having a date to prom and for it to be Sam. I told her I didn't know what to say or think and I couldn't understand why she would do something like that for me. She tried to play it off as in she didn't really care who she went to prom with and there was a new guy she had been talking to, so maybe she'd ask him if he wanted to go with her. Once we got off the phone I was in a state of panic. What was my move going to be? Should I make him dangle? Better yet tell him no and hire someone way hotter? The possibilities were endless. My phone rang. My palms started to sweat. I answered the phone. My blood started to pound in my ears. Sam was on the other end. He was asking me a question. Holy shit, was Julie right? He asked me if I was still there. I panicked. All my well laid plans ruined! He repeated the question. Would I go to prom with him? Holy crap. HOLY CRAP! The word yes flew out of my mouth before I could think to say it. Sam chuckled. He said that he would love to be my date and he knew we would have a great time.
Now that Sam and I were going to prom together, I had a whole new set of problems. Was he going to expect a hook up like every other cliché couple on the planet? Did I want to? Did I still even want to be with this man? Every fiber in my being wanted us to go to prom together and have him realize that I was the one he was supposed to be with. We would dance and then kiss and then he would make me his girlfriend and we would be together! It was perfect. All I had to do was make him fall in love with me. My great grandmother said that the best way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Now ladies, if you have never cooked a day in your life, I would recommend a trial run before you run forward with a basket of spirit cookies. Sam is the main reason that I learned how to bake. I made cookies. I made brownies. I made cup cakes with writing on them. Soon it was like some weird tradition. After lunch in English class, he would nudge me with his foot. This was the signal that he was ready for his treat. Soon other guys in class wanted some as well. It rolled over into the girls and it became like a competition. Who could get to me first to try to get my delicious goodies. Naturally I would always give Sam first pick and it seemed as if this finally created the special bond that I was always wanting us to have. He would start to seek me out at first bell to make sure I packed something special. Then it turned into something a little more. He seemed less concerned with what I brought and more concerned with my person. How was the drive to school? Did I figure out that one math equation? Had my little sister finally stopped bugging me to borrow that one top? The end of my senior year was starting to wrap up nicely. I was going to prom with my crush. I had my college experience all planned out. Sam was slowly starting to fall in love with me. Things couldn't have been better.
This is typically the point in the story where the shit hits the fan. Unfortunately, this is not that time. Maybe if something bad had happened it would have saved a lot of heart ache. I digress however. Prom went with out a hitch. I looked great. Sam was handsome in the tux I helped him pick out. Julie's date ended up backing out and so to be kind and show that there were no more hard feelings, I told Sam that if he wanted to, he should dance with Julie. They danced a few slow songs and all seemed right with the world. We went back to my friends house for after prom party and I was anxious. This was the night that they all spoke about. Everyone lost their V-card on this day. Was I to follow suit and have this night be THE night? No, no it wasn't. After all the time and baking I had put in, Sam interest level in seeing me naked seemed the equivalent of him wanting to knit a sweater. At this point in the evening I had already made up my mind that I would tell him no but it doesn't hold the same impact if the guy isn't attempting to take off all your clothes! I even tried to tempt him a little by making out with him. Nothing. What a let down, this night was just like any other night. Except we were in fancy dresses and now were all sleeping in one room. As I sat there staring at the ceiling, I kept trying to think of what I had done wrong. Why wasn't Sam wanting to be with me? Hadn't I done everything right? Wasn't I the girl he had been waiting for? I could hear him starting to snore. Unbelievable. I swore to myself, Monday would be different.
It wasn't. In fact, almost everyday was the same. Soon I began to wonder if I was stuck in some time loop. One day after school, I had enough. I walked right up to Sam and asked him what his problem was. Why didn't he want to kiss me? Hell, why hadn't he tried to do anything with me after prom? Hadn't I proven what kind of girlfriend I would be?? What did it take to get a guy to fall in love with a girl????? Sam was very flustered, as would any person in that situation I suppose. He said that the main reason that he hadn't tried anything was because he was still kind of hung up on Julie. I could feel my eye start to twitch. Are you freaking kidding me?! After all this time and energy, Julie was still a factor. She had moved on by then to this other guy and they were involved on a whole different level. Why was he waiting around? Sam said he knew it was stupid but he just had to make sure that there was definitely nothing between them. I reminded him that she was dating someone else. He said he was aware and that he was going to make one final attempt with her and if she still blew him off that he would finally close the chapter on her. I clenched my hands into fists. I was on a new level of anger that I didn't know even existed. I told Sam everything that I had done. I let him know that I felt taken advantage of and why would he even try to make me think I had a chance! He just looked at the ground and said he was sorry. I wanted to slap him and say that he wasn't sorry yet but he would be...I just didn't have the courage. I just looked at him and said I was sorry too. As I turned and walked away, tears ran down my face. I swore that it would be the last time that Sam ever hurt me. I could not have been more wrong...
