Footloose and Fancy Free

After the whole Sam debacle, I went the entire next year and a half not involving myself with the opposite sex.  No dates, no making out, no hooking up, nothing.  From an outside perspective, this could be construed as depression.  I like to think of it as an elongated process to which I would never allow myself to fall in love ever again.  Not fully anyway. 

Now the next few years after my first love, I sort of spiraled out of control.  At least when it came to men.  My good friend Jamie, one that I had known for nearly 10 years, had been bugging me to move to Las Vegas for some time.  She had relocated with her family there about 5 years prior.  She loved it and knew I would feel the same.  Sam had made me realize that I needed to rediscover who I was.  I couldn't be some waif of a girl.  I had to be strong and independent.  Funny and charming.  Two steps ahead of the game.  With a lot of convincing and negotiating, my parents agreed to let me go out to Las Vegas and try to finish my college career out there.  Jamie was beyond excited as was I. 

As we began our trip out west, I could see everything transforming before my eyes.  Just like the horizon, the possibilities were endless.   I got enrolled at UNLV.  This new me wanted to try everything new.  Went to a few sorority events.  Realized that wasn't for me.  Tried public speaking classes.  Also not my thing.  Moving away from all my family and friends made me realize how alone I really was and everything that I didn't like, was still from my old life.  So I finished my classes for the semester and dropped out of college.   Besides falling in love, this was the scariest thing I had done. 

After a few odd jobs, I found one that I was satisfied with and began to venture out.  By chance, I met a few girls that I simply adored.  They were beautiful, striking women.  They were smart and funny and out going.  They oozed this confidence that couldn't be ignored.  I was awed.  I have never been overly confident, ever.  As previously stated, I can easily talk to guys but I have no idea how to flirt with them.  Half the time if a guy shows interest, I am genuinely surprised.  These girls on the other hand, knew exactly how to flirt and have guys falling all over them.  The first girl, Anna, she was a personal trainer at the gym I was working at.  The second was Charity.  She started after me and I trained her to work the front desk.  

Anna took me to all the new clubs.  It was as if we were celebrities.  The bouncers always knew who we were, they never had to check ID's.  They let us know if we could sit in any of the VIP booths.  Guys would throw themselves at Anna and she'd just smile and act gracious and never once grant them a second look.  I was amazed.  I asked her how she did it and how could I do that?  She laughed and shrugged.  She was in love with a guy who didn't love her back and everyone else just seemed so meh that she couldn't help but feel indifferent.  However, the more nonchalant she acted, the more the guys seemed to flock to her.  After awhile, this just became the norm for her.   It was as if she had perfected the act to an art form. 

Charity was a completely different story.  I am still friends with Charity to this day and I hope if she reads this, she will be understanding and not misconstrue my feelings.  Charity knew she was gorgeous.  She knew that all she had to do was smile at a guy and he would bend over backwards to help her out.  The good ones any way.  The main difference between Charity and Anna was that Charity knew what she was doing and didn't feel as if she was leading them on.  She would just shrug and say 'I never said one thing to indicate that we would become an item or that we would hook up.  I can't help it that they took it that way.'  She seemed fearless to me but still had a lot to learn.  She was younger than me and I looked at her as a role model but also like a surrogate little sister.   I wanted to protect her from all the bum's out there wanting to just use her but also take her confidence and apply it to my life.

Shortly after meeting Anna and Charity, I had a falling out with Jamie.  It was sad because we had been friends for such a long time but with my new found attitude I wasn't going to obsess over it either.    I asked Charity if she wanted to move in with me and after that, we were as thick as thieves.   I felt empowered and brazen to a certain extent.  I didn't have time to be bothered with relationships and I started enquiring about how to have a thing that I recently heard about, a term everyone should be familiar with, friends with benefits. 

Now at the time, this was a fairly new concept.  You could have all the "benefits" of a relationship, the fun stuff, and then you could go out with a different guy later that week or hell even the next night and there weren't any kind of consequences!  (for all you dummies out there, never forget, I always used protection, had birth control and made sure that I took care of myself.  No one needs to get a STD or pregnant needlessly.  Be responsible people).  Charity seemed to like the idea as well.  We were two bad ass bitches on a mission.  To not get hung up on men and to have a good time while doing it.  Make sure that we had our guys on a rotation so to speak.   We asked two other girls to move in with us and so we got a house together.  Other girls who were also tired of their men treating them badly.  Then it dawned on me.  We were like a mini social club.  So naturally we had to have rules.

Rule #1:  We would always have plenty of condoms in the house.
(We did, some of us just didn't always use them :/)

Rule #2:  Never bring randoms to the house.  No one is trying to be murdered.

Rule #3: While out at a club or party, if we were all out together and a roommate called dibs, said guy  was off limits to the other girls.

Rule #4:  No ex was welcome in the house if that girl had complained about him with in the past 2 weeks.  (seriously, property damage is a real life concern. No time for emotions to run amuck.)

Rule #5: If you made friends with one of the guys that a roommate was hooking up with, under no circumstances were you to ever divulge any information regarding the girls whereabouts or who she was with, or potentially under.  (again, this is a common sense thing that should just be a standard for everyone.)

Rule #6:  At any point in time, if you were to develop feelings for a certain guy that a roommate had hooked up with, you had to put on your big girl panties and tell that roommate.  (again, not a fan of drama, especially when it isn't necessary.)


After the rules were established, that's when the real adventures began.  We lived life to the fullest.  No one to answer to.  No man making you feel like nothing.  Hanging out with a guy, hooking up, watching a game or whatever the next day and then leaving, with out any drama or strings attached.  At the time, I couldn't ask for a better situation.  I didn't worry about their feelings and they didn't have to worry that I was going to constantly bug them.  I was liberated.  Then we started hanging out at this bar called the Firefly. 

Now out of all the different bars and clubs we went to, this one was special.  It was off the strip and mainly people who were from Vegas were the only ones who frequented there.  Once Charity told me about this place, the inner nerd in me squeed a little.  Not only for the name, all you Joss Whedon fans know the deal, but also because this place meant that I was no longer an outsider.  I finally was apart of the community enough to know of this cool little place that we didn't have to worry about randoms coming up to us to try and make their weekend memorable.

Charity had met the owner of the Firefly at the gym and like every other guy she met, had him wrapped around her pinky with in a matter of minutes.  He invited us out one night and said he would take care of everything.  Who were we to refuse such a generous offer?  That night was one of the best nights of my life.  I couldn't have cared less that no guy had hit on me or that I had no prospects on the horizon.  I was cool with the best friend role in my own life.  Sit back and watch all the other "ants" scurry to find whatever they were looking for.  No pressure what so ever.  I sipped my sangria and smiled to no one.  This life was the type I could get used to.

Just as I was about to text someone from the starting line up, a tall and lean individual sat at my table.  He was very cute and was someone I would definitely looked twice at.  However, because of my self proclaimed status, I assumed that he wasn't there for me, he was there to talk to Charity.  He introduced himself.  His name was Dylan.  I smiled and replied with my name.  Dylan was concerned because he said he never liked to see a pretty girl sitting all alone drinking.  I chuckled a bit and stated that I wasn't alone, I was with my friend Charity.  He grinned and stated that he knew Charity but he wasn't worried about her and thought I could use the company.  As Dylan and I continued to talk, I found myself more and more interested in what he had to say.  It was bizarre.  For a moment, I had a flash of how I had felt when I had been with Sam.  I shook my head.  Nope, no way, uh uh, not gonna happen.  No more love stuff. No more nonsense.  Dylan asked me if I was alright.  I smiled and said I had a moment of weakness.  He wanted to know what about.  I told him I didn't want to bother him with personal problems and we had just met.  Seemed a bit rude to me.

Then he said something that would change the course of how I treated people forever.  He said, well isn't that the best way to relieve your stress? To divulge your problems to a complete stranger?  One who has no opinion of you whatsoever and can give you clear headed advice?   I am pretty sure my mouth dropped.  This was the first time I had ever encountered a man who was, A.) not trying to sleep with me, B.) not trying to sleep with my best friend and C.) was actually concerned with my well being.   I must have looked really shocked because he chuckled and took a drink.  Dylan stated that he didn't mind listening because he had three older sisters and they basically raised him.  He understood if I didn't feel comfortable sharing all my secrets.  He wasn't going to press the issue.  Dylan shrugged his shoulders and said that he would always be around to listen if needed.  He gave me his number and told me to call whenever I felt so inclined.  It sort of felt like he was about to leave but then I realized that he just didn't want me to feel embarrassed because at that moment Charity returned, with yet another suitor, and this changed the dynamic of the table.  I locked eyes with Dylan and smiled.  He nodded his head and returned my smile. 

The guy who had joined Charity, just so happened to be a good friend of Dylan's.  His name was Brian.  The guy was loud and boisterous, just the type Charity liked.  I could never quite understand her selection process when it came to guys.  The guys that she seemed to keep her around the most, reminded me strongly of the kind of guys I went to high school with.  Guys who were completely superficial and didn't really care what kind of girl they brought home, as long as she was good looking enough to compliment them.   I thought she was so amazing that it hurt me a little to see her settle for something when I knew she could do so much better.  That's the thing about us women however.  We beat ourselves up so much after our first heartbreak, that we tell ourselves that the reason we are alone is because of something we did.  When in reality, it is probably a mutual thing.   Then we end up settling because we think that this guy is as good as it is going to get and that we deserve a mediocre type of love.  However, I digress...

Brian invites us over to his house to go to the hot tub.  I politely decline because duh, stranger danger.  Charity wants to go of course.  (She had this weird thing about going to houses with pools or hot tubs.  Probably because she had a killer body and loved to show it off!)  Dylan states that he was planning on going and he wouldn't mind keeping me company.  I start to change my mind when a gaggle of people come up to the table and say how they are almost ready to go.  Brian nods and says he is going to settle up and then we can all caravan to his house.   As soon as they appeared, they left and Charity has this mega watt smile.  She wants to go so bad and is just vibrating with excitement.  I have absolutely no desire to go to a house party at this time of night with this many people I don't know.  I did drive us however and if I said no, I knew Charity would be highly upset.  Just as I was going to concede yet again, our roommate Shelby arrived.  Thank the lords above.  I was saved.  Shelby was a party girl.  She loved to stay out late and get wild.  That's why she and Charity got along so well.  Charity explained the situation and Shelby was immediately down.  I looked at Charity and told her that I was probably going to head home.  She instantly looked like I had kicked her puppy.  I told her not to give me that face and that there were going to be plenty of other parties for me to go to and get over it.  I smiled at her when she stuck out her tongue.  As we started to leave, Dylan tugged on a strand of my hair.  He said he was glad to have met me and that he too was a little disappointed that I wouldn't be coming out.  I laughed and told him that even if I wasn't there, I was sure he would be entertained.  He looked thoughtfully on that before responding with, just because you are entertained, doesn't mean there isn't better entertainment out there.  He gave me a hug and told me to call or text whenever.  I stood there for a minute after he left.  It was so weird to have a guy treat me like that.  I went home feeling a little better about myself. 

The next morning I got to hear all about the amazing night that Shelby and Charity had.  They both stated I would've had a blast.  I told them I just hadn't been in the mood to handle a bunch of people I didn't know.  Charity grabbed my hand and said that I needed to come out with them tonight.  Brian wanted us to come to some new club opening and had VIP tickets.  My thoughts briefly flashed to Dylan.  I smiled to myself.  Charity poked me hard bringing me back to reality.  She asked if I had just heard what she said.  I gave her a blank stare and apologetic half smile.  She sighed.  Last night there was a guy that she thought was really cute and that she thought I would like.  I nodded along with her and listened.  I didn't hear her mention Dylan's name so I tried to casually bring it up.  When Shelby heard me say his name, she tried to interject her opinion.  She told me if I was referring to the guy at our table last night, to not waste my time.  I was taken aback.  Why not?  Then I groaned internally.  Shelby had hooked up with him and now I wasn't going to be able to pursue that avenue.  She stared at the TV and told me he was gay.  GAY!?  What the what??  I asked how she knew this.  Shelby stated she had pretty good gay-dar and that any man who dresses that nice and shows no interest in hitting on her was clearly gay. 

Charity nodded her head.  She said he never once tried to come on to either of them and had an excellent wardrobe.  He even gave her fashion advice and hair care tips.  (I had never really been around gay people and my young age and lack of encounters left me with this shallow view on the world.  Straight guys can like fashion and don't have to make you feel like you are some piece of meat.  There are decent men in the world.)  Being young and naïve, this logic made sense to me.  No wonder I felt at ease.  He didn't expect anything from me because he wasn't trying to get anything from me.  I sent him a text and he replied back almost immediately.  He asked if I was going to the club opening tonight.  I told him I was thinking about it but wasn't sure what to wear.  He asked if I had a black dress.  I sent back a reply of what woman doesn't own a little black dress??  Dylan said to pair it with colored heels and I would be perfect.  I thanked him for that tip and proceeded to plan out the rest of my night.

That night was a blast.  Drinking and dancing.  More drinking, more dancing.  While Shelby and Charity were slaying hearts left and right, I clung to my new friend Dylan.  It was strange how much we had in common and how much fun we had together.  He told me that he had felt a connection between us and that we were supposed to be in each other's lives for a reason.  I felt the same.  Dylan had been brought to me to help me restore my faith in the opposite sex.  Even if he was gay, he always made me feel special and that I was the only one in the room.  That I shouldn't feel like I had to settle. 


After the girls were worn out from the dance party, Dylan asked if we wanted to have a night cap at the Firefly.  I was ready but the other girls seemed like they were ready to call it an early night.  Shelby had drove us and so I wasn't in a position to ask her to stay out.  Dylan said that he would be more than happy to take me back home after.  Charity over heard this and said she didn't want me to be alone so she'd come too.  Brian said he wouldn't mind the night cap so we all went with Dylan while Shelby made her way back to the house.  When we got there, Brian and Charity saw several people they knew and said they were going to make the rounds.  That left Dylan and myself all alone yet again.  He ordered us a pitcher of sangria and seemed to be troubled about something.  I asked if he was bothered by something.  He smiled wistfully and said that he would have rather had a night with just the two of us but that he can't really tell my best friend to scram or his roommate to take a hike.  I giggled.  I told him I knew what he meant.  Charity could be a handful to those she didn't know really well and Brian, he seemed like a douche but I thought that his intentions meant well.  Dylan laughed.  He liked that I was so blunt about certain things but reserved about others.  I asked what he meant by that.  He liked that I could read people well and see them for who they really were but that I wanted to keep my private life private.  I was tight lipped so to speak regarding my own personal problems.  I shrugged.  I stated that everyone has their own baggage and that there's no need to stress anyone out with my drama.  In regards to calling people out and reading people,  I wouldn't say anything behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face.  Dylan got a wicked gleam in his eye and smiled widely.  He told me that my time to put up or shut up was approaching.  As I started to ask what he meant, Brian sat down.  I flushed instantly.  Brian asked what we were talking about.  Dylan took a sip of Sangria and said that I had just got done describing him perfectly.  Brian looked directly at me and grinned wolfishly.  He began doing that annoying thing people do when they want to know what you said.  They nudge your elbow and say something to the effect of 'what you say' or 'tell me, tell me, tell me'.  Dylan's eyes were smiling over his glass.  I glared at him.  Fine, if he wanted to know what I was made of I'd show him.  He wasn't going to get out of this unscathed though. 

I turned back to Brian and smiled politely.  I told him how Dylan had mentioned that he wished that neither of our roommates were here because he was wanting some quiet time.  When Brian got a puzzled look on his face I continued with the story.  I said I knew what Dylan meant because Charity can be a little intense at times and while I didn't know Brian very well, he seemed like a douche but that he meant well.  Dylan choked on his drink.  Brian looked stunned and then did something that I wouldn't have expected.  He started laughing.  He slid back in his chair and laughed so loud that other tables turned and stared.  My eyes went wide.  Then Dylan started laughing too.  Brian couldn't believe how straight forward I was.  I told him I didn't really see the point of not being able to say things that you meant.  Brian smiled and said to Dylan 'I like this girl, we should keep her around.'  Dylan winked at me and said 'I couldn't agree more.'  I felt all warm.  Two men in the world that I could be completely myself around and neither of them wanted me for sex.  On the drive home that night, I felt happier than I could ever remember.  This new found attitude was starting to pay off.  Things were definitely starting to go my way.

Graduation from rose colored glasses

The next few weeks were a blur.  I stuck to my convictions in regards to Sam.   I still spoke to him in English class and if he was at an event I attended with friends I was polite.  I just stopped doodling in my notebook and stopped drooling over every move he made.  It wasn't hard.  Ok, so that's a lie.  It was EXTREMELY difficult at first.  They are called crushes for a reason people!  Each day however, it got a little easier to deal with. 

Soon it was if it was all a bad dream.  Graduation came descending upon us like a hurricane and then high school was over.  I began planning out my situation for college and trying to get it together for my relocation.  I was pumped!  I couldn't wait to share a dorm room with my best friend Alex and we were going to take the new town by storm.  Freshmen in college...we were going to have the time of our lives. 

Then one morning my whole world changed.   It wasn't any kind of special morning.  My mom had taken my sister to swim practice.  I was being a lazy bum of a teenager who had zero responsibility.  So naturally I had the radio blasting and was dancing around the house with sweatpants on and my hair looking like a natural disaster on top of my head.  The door bell rang and I sprinted to get it.  Imagine my surprise when I saw Sam standing on the other side of the door.  He was covered in some type of weird dust and was wearing a bright orange vest.  He smiled his signature grin and my heart, which had once again turned back to stone, began to crack slightly.  I asked what he was doing here.  He said that he got a summer job doing construction and that it was in my neighborhood.  I smiled back and gave some type of flip response like, I can see that or yeah I'm not an idiot.  I wanted to know why he was at my house.  He looked down at his feet.  He said it was his lunch break and he remembered where I lived and wanted to know if I would eat lunch with him.  As his eyes locked with mine, I felt all the emotions from earlier in the year return.  I kept my stance and my face remained the same.  I figured he was on lunch but I wasn't going to let him in my house.  I wanted to know why he was trying to have lunch with me.  I hadn't really spent any alone time with him since that day in the hall when he was trying to "get Julie back". 

He took a deep breath and began telling his story.  After that day in the hall he was pissed.  He was pissed at me and he was pissed at himself.  I was one of his best friends after all.   He couldn't understand how things had gotten so out of hand.   He had actually seen Julie that day after I yelled at him.  He asked her what to do.  She told him that if I had flipped out like that it was probably too late.  As all my friends know, I am the queen of second chances but when I have had enough, you are dead to me.  It's like you never existed.  He figured he'd give me some space and let me cool off but that things would go back to the way they used to be.  A few days passed and he never heard from me.  Classroom behavior was normal but there weren't any plans being made after school.  A few more days passed.  Still no phone calls.  Eventually graduation was upon him and he still hadn't heard from me.  We didn't spend our graduation together.  In fact, we barely spoke at all on the momentous occasion.  Sam told me it was like a kick in the gut.  He said that he realized too late how much he needed me and missed me.  That I wasn't something that he thought he wanted but maybe I was exactly what he needed.

It was one of the defining moments of my life.  When he locked eyes with me, I could see how much he cared for me and in that instant, all the walls I built came crashing down.  I fell in love.  It was like a tidal wave that crashed over me.  From that day forward, my fate was tied to his.   Our relationship was a whirl wind.  Any time that wasn't spent working, we spent it together.  I was never as happy as I was when I was with Sam.  He made me feel complete. 

After looking back at it, this was the problem.  Having another person complete you.  I feel like a successful relationship is more like the old saying "Your better half".  They always inspire you to become better than you are today.  Someone who looks at all the parts of you, the good, the bad and the ugly and they say 'all of this right here, I'm ok with it.'  Being able to stand on your own feet as a whole individual with or with out them but not wanting to be with out them.  Love is a funny thing.

I thought that we would be together until the end.  Have this silly antidote to tell to our grand kids on the front porch or after a family dinner.  When you rely on movies to be your emotional guide, all of these scenarios seem possible.  The worst part about romantic comedies is that they end.  They don't show all the gritty sides of relationships.   If two characters split and get back together, they always say 'What about all these problems we have?' and the response is 'As long as I am with you, we will take all the problems on, one at a time and work it out together.  Whatever life throws at us, let's face it head on together!'.  I call shenanigans on the whole thing.   The movie ends and the credits roll and you walk out of the theater with the delusion that you can make your life like that.  Perhaps you can.  The only missing component is your significant other.  You can't make them fall in line. 


I went that entire summer living like a rom com.  We had a song, The Rolling Stones, You can't always get what you want.  We made love in a quarry by a waterfall.   I took his sisters to events and movies.  He had dinner with my family.  Then summer ended and school was about to start.  Naturally my love couldn't be contained so I decided to with draw from my away school and attend a college that was closer to home to be near him.  He seemed thrilled with the decision.  Or maybe he wasn't thrilled with the decision and I just painted it that way in my head.  Soon school started.  He stopped returning my phone calls.  He stopped returning his family's phone calls.  Sam just dropped off the face of the planet.  When I finally had enough and confronted him at his dorm, he just shrugged and said he was sorry if I felt like we were in a relationship and that he hadn't meant to lead me on again but now that he was in school, he just didn't have time for me.  He asked if I was mad.  I told him I was furious.  I couldn't believe that I fell for it again.   I was so mad at myself I could hardly see straight.  Everything around me shattered.  I told him to lose my number, never come by my house again and if he ever felt so inclined to try and reconnect with me at any point in the future to swallow it and bury it deep down because the next time we saw each other, I would make him regret it.

As I left his dorm room and walked to my car, I sat in the driver seat and stared off into the distance.  I tried to pin point the exact moment of my stupidity and figure out what I did wrong.   Had I misinterpreted something?  It was like trying to review a play with out a recording.  Then it hit me, I'm just a fool.  It was my fault thinking that he would be the one for me.  I made a vow to myself in the car as I drove away.  I would never let a man control my emotions ever again.   I would flip the script and change my heart.  I would change my emotional mentality to that of a man.  It was my time now...

The realitly of it all

This blog isn't going to be some hate blog that decimates one sex or the other.  It's going to be an accurate (more or less) account of my love life and why I think romance isn't in the cards for me.  Hopefully you will find this as entertaining as I have.

As a young girl, I watched all the Disney movies.  I thought that as long as I believed in the fairy tale that some day my prince would come. Every girl at one point or another has to have thought about the love of her life breaking out into song and taking her away from this provincial life...(Beauty and the Beast for all you plebs) I was under the delusion that I was special and that someone equally as special would be there for me.  Entering high school was my official wake up call.  Guys that I were attracted to were terrible human beings and pretended like I didn't exist.  Socializing for me was awkward and I didn't know how to flirt or express interest in the opposite sex.  If I am being completely honest, I still don't know really how to do that.

I went practically my entire high school career with out a serious boyfriend or real love interest.  I was curious about sex though.  I had seen all the movies,  Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, Clueless...the sentiment was there but the actual semantics of it were lacking.  I had the pining and the angst part down perfectly, now all I needed was my "Jake Ryan" to have my perfect first experience. 

When you have lived the entirety of your life as a musical and wanting to be able to have all the woodland creatures help you wake up and get dressed in the morning, finding your sexuality can be difficult.  In my family's household, we were raised Catholic, so in combination of the Disney mentality, I also had the same mind set that sex before marriage was wrong.  I also had concocted that if my genitalia came with in inches of the opposite sex's genitalia that I would become instantaneously pregnant.  Now I can't say how the average teenage girl's mind works, I can only say my own experiences and thoughts.  (I also hope that no one takes my unique interpretations of sex as a result of my religious up bringing, I am sadly just that weird)

In my youth, I got along much better with boys than I did girls.  Perhaps because the majority of children my age to play with were guys or maybe because my sister didn't come along until I was 6.  Whatever the case may be, I have had a natural ability to speak to men.  Flirting with or showing interest in, not so much.  This natural ability made me a prime target for other girls my age to be cruel and talk about me behind my back, saying things like I was a slut or got around.  All the while I never even saw a penis until well into my late teens and that was more of a health class situation versus one on one action. 

Now some of you who know me may say that I am being pessimistic and for awhile so did I but there have been several pivotal moments in my life that make me think that romance isn't in the cards for me.  There was a guy that I thought would be my first time but when I realized I wasn't ready, he got upset and didn't speak to me again.  Another guy that I thought would be my boyfriend in high school gave me my first heavy petting session in a movie theater.  This new adventure was exciting and dare I say taboo.  He thought that because I was willing to permit this that we would go all the way but it just wasn't right.  He told over half the class that we did it anyway.  After this traumatic situation, I spent most of the time in school just trying to coast by and keep off the radar.  I didn't want the same experiences in middle school to repeat themselves.   This made it turn from the time of my life to just another time in my life.   

Things were going smoothly and then came my senior year.  I met a boy named Sam.  He wasn't anything super special at first glance.  He wasn't bad looking and did have that tall lanky thing that I very much enjoy...I digress...We were in the same English class.  He always said hello to me.  Our conversations became more each day.  One day I found myself thinking about what Sam was doing after school.  He was on the basketball team.  At our high school that meant something.  He knew a variety of people.  He was nice and smart and funny.  Suddenly I found myself thinking of him all the time.  I didn't like when other girls spoke to him.  I was so confused.  Finally I asked my friends what this meant.  They were convinced I liked him. Like, like liked him!  I was shocked.  I sat and thought about that all during lunch.  I thought about it through the rest of my classes.  I went home and thought about it.  Soon that is all I was thinking about.  Did I really like this guy?  Would I want Sam as my boyfriend?  I mean it was senior year.  I had plans on going to college in a different city.  I knew he was staying local.  It was impractical for me to want to get involved with someone this late in the game.  I made up my mind, no boyfriend. 

You know that saying the heart wants what the heart wants?  Imagine that times twenty.  I would see him in class and my heart would race. I would think of reasons for us to hang out.  I was a woman possessed.  Maybe he wouldn't be my boyfriend but maybe he would be someone I could go to the movies with. Or we could go out to dinner or go to parties together or be each others prom date...good grief, I wanted him to be my boyfriend!  Now that the full realization hit me of what I wanted, I needed to figure out how to go about it.  In middle school, I just had guys hand me notes asking to date.  Things weren't that simple any more.  How does one go about letting a guy know she is interested with out coming right out and telling him?  It would be super embarrassing if he found out I liked him and he didn't return my feelings.  Suddenly my heart was racing for other reasons.  This was too much pressure!  I had other things to worry about, I couldn't let a boy take over my every thought!  I discussed these matters with my friend Julie.  She had a brilliant idea.  She was friendly with Sam, she'd do a little detective work on my behalf.  See if he was available and if he had any notion that I was into him or if he was into me.  This next series of events should have given me a clue as to the path I was laying out for my self but hindsight is 20/20.  Turns out the whole time Julie was talking to Sam, she was asking less for me and more for herself.   They had a lot more in common than what either of them realized and soon their attraction for each other became something that they couldn't ignore.    I was the last to know per usual.  Julie would say that she didn't really have much to go on and that he didn't seem like he was interested in dating anyone.  I was disappointed but perhaps it was better in the long run.  I would meet someone in college and he would be better than Sam surely.  The next day in class, Sam sat right next to me. I could feel my face flush.  Shit, I wasn't over it.  We started our daily chit chat and then suddenly he got closer to my person.  I held my breath.  Sam needed to ask me something.  I sat there eyes wide.  What could he want to ask me? To prom? To date? To be his future betrothed??   Imagine my shock and dismay when he told me he wanted to know more about Julie.  He found that he really liked her and was thinking of asking her out.  He knew it was senior year and that maybe a relationship was in the cards but he felt like she may like him.  I told him that I was fairly sure she didn't (seeing as how she was my friend and clearly girl code dictates that there would be no future for them) and what would give him the impression that she was interested.  He told me about all the time that they had been spending together, what with the basketball affiliation and the sort of double date they shared last weekend...what the ever loving hell???  Double date?  What was that about?  Julie never mentioned anything about seeing Sam last weekend.  She told me that she had gone to see a movie with her brother!  This was outrageous.  I could hardly believe what I was hearing.  She betrayed me and not only that made him like her back!!  The rest of his conversation was lost on me.  Soon class had started but I couldn't focus.  I it felt like I could hardly breathe.  How could this happen?  Why would she do this to me?  How could he? (granted he had no idea I was that into him)  At some point during the class the teacher had asked us to break into groups and work on some mundane task.  Naturally Sam wanted to be in my group so he could continue on with his ramblings about Julie.  I sat there dumbstruck.  He kept asking how I knew that she didn't like him.  He had thought she had been flirting with him, she had kept asking all these things about his life and what he likes.  So when Sam's best friend wanted to go to the movies, he had asked Sam if there was any girl he wanted to invite.  He had immediately thought of Julie.  Sam's best friend had a girlfriend and the two girls hit it off instantly.  Sam could really see himself trying to make something work with her.  As I sat here listening to all of these things, it was like a dull buzzing in my ear.  I couldn't breathe.  He sat there with a big stupid  grin on his face talking about his amazing weekend.  Finally he decided to put me out of my misery.  He asked if I would talk to Julie for him.  He knows how close we are and that it would be awesome if I could see if maybe I was wrong about Julie not liking him.  Before I could respond the bell rang.  Everyone stood up to leave and I felt like a robot just going through the motions.  Sam grabbed his books and grabbed my shoulder.  He smiled that brilliant grin of his and said that he'd call me later.  The rest of the day was a blur.  This entire situation was life's first kick in the pants when it came to romance and true love. 

I couldn't understand.  This wasn't how it went in the movies.  Maybe that's why I have never been a huge fan of the holy Disney princess triumvirate (Snow White, Cinderella and Aurora).  All these ladies were in need of a man to swoop in and make it all better.  The men in my life that were supposed to be those guys did nothing but disappoint.  Not that I mind a man attempting to want to take care of me or wanting to try and rescue me.  I just don't need a man around all the time.  I like my personal space.  I like being alone.  There is only one loveable weirdo in my life who I know likes being around her man all the time.  We don't get into big disagreements about this love issue but I feel as if I constantly have to remind her that most love stories don't turn out like hers.  You don't meet at a bar and have a random hook up and then boom 4 years later get married.  Life typically doesn't work that way. 

Later that night I tried to do homework.  Hell I tried to do anything to keep my mind off of what felt like the end of my world.  As a teen girl in high school, every event felt like a tele novella.  How I pictured myself that night: sobbing hysterically, mascara running down my face, lighting candles sitting in the dark, whacking my fists into the pillows screaming WHY!!!  How I probably spent my night: staring off into space, probably listening to Sweeny Todd.  It's unfortunate growing up that you realize too late that your parents aren't right about everything but they aren't wrong about everything either.  This one moment in my life wouldn't be the end all be all that I thought it would be at the time. 

The next day was one of the first terrifying moments in my life.  I hardly spoke to anyone that day.  Lunch was miserable.  Trying to keep this secret that I knew.  Holding back anything from a close group of girls is near impossible.  (If you can find that girl, you need to recruit her to the CIA.  That's a sneaky ninja lady.)  I just had to tell people that I was having a raging case of cramps and didn't sleep well the night before.  After lunch came English class.  The moment of truth.  Sam came in and took his normal seat.  You could almost feel the nervous energy pinging off of him.  Class started and we were breaking into groups again. Sam spun my desk around for me, he was that eager.  He asked how I was feeling.  (He called last night but I was being very dramatic if you recall, hand to forehead "please Mr. Deville, no more close ups!" epic type fits and told my parents to hold all my calls)  I said I was feeling better, just women troubles.  He laughed.  I wanted to punch him in the face.  He wanted to scour my brain for all things Julie and if I had spoken to her any about him.  I told him I hadn't really had an opportunity to speak to her.  He said he understood but that if I could try to do it sooner than later, he'd really appreciate it.  A few moments past and I stared at my hands.  They were fidgeting with a pen.  I took a deep breath and sighed.  Sam looked up and asked what was up.  I then proceeded to explain that I couldn't be his go between for Julie.  He looked very confused and before he could ask why, I rushed out my feelings.  I explained that I was the one who liked him originally, not Julie.  The reason she had been sniffing around is because I was too afraid to come right out and tell him.  I didn't want our friendship to become awkward if he didn't feel the same.  I told him I didn't think she liked him because she knew my feelings and if she did feel something, she would never have told me.  Ladies, if you ever want to see a man's mouth drop, revealing your true feelings to said unsuspecting individual is the way to go for that.  I told Sam I was sorry to drop all this on him and if he didn't want us to be friends any more I would understand (yes, it's a ridiculous jump but hello, established, I am dramatic.  It's part of my charm)  He closed his mouth and just stared wide eyed for a moment.  He looked down and sort of turned red before looking back at me.  The next conversation was a knife to the chest.  Sam told me how he wished I had said something.  When school first started he thought I was really cute and liked talking to me.  Sam said that as the days passed he couldn't tell if I was into him and so his feelings towards me became more platonic than romantic.  I said I understood and that judging from Julie's lack of being helpful, she was probably into him as well, especially since she didn't tell me that they had gone to see a movie.  His eyes lighting up were like a kick to the gut.  He said that of course we'd still be friends and that he understood how hard that must of been for me.  I smiled sweetly and played it off well, then immediately after the bell rang, I ran to the bathroom and cried. 

Needless to say, my friends found out about the situation with Sam and Julie.  To say that she had been black balled would have been a nice way of putting it.  Kids at that age can be cruel.  We don't know what loyalty really means because we haven't really had an opportunity to live.  We can only go off what we have been taught and some lessons we learn don't stick.  She apologized over and over.  I wanted to write her off completely.  I wanted to scream at her and call her names.  I wanted to do something that would make her hurt just a fraction of the pain that I was going through.  In the end, I couldn't.  I don't have the stones for it.  We had been friends since freshman year in high school.  Sam on the other hand, was acting like I never had confessed anything.  We still had the same conversations during class, we still hung out occasionally at after school events.  It was like nothing had changed.  Except he was trying to date my best friend instead of me.  One day after school Julie called me.  She had wanted me to know that Sam had asked her to prom.  I felt sick with a huge lump in my throat.  Nothing like your best friend going with the guy you are crushing on to your senior prom...John Hughes couldn't write this stuff.  As I fought back the urge to yack, she continued on to say that she had told him no and had suggested that maybe he ask me.  I stared at the phone like it had 4 heads.  She had done what now??  Are you kidding me??  By some twist of fate, I was still in the running for having a date to prom and for it to be Sam.  I told her I didn't know what to say or think and I couldn't understand why she would do something like that for me.  She tried to play it off as in she didn't really care who she went to prom with and there was a new guy she had been talking to, so maybe she'd ask him if he wanted to go with her.  Once we got off the phone I was in a state of panic.  What was my move going to be?  Should I make him dangle? Better yet tell him no and hire someone way hotter? The possibilities were endless.  My phone rang.  My palms started to sweat.  I answered the phone.  My blood started to pound in my ears.  Sam was on the other end.  He was asking me a question. Holy shit, was Julie right?  He asked me if I was still there.  I panicked. All my well laid plans ruined!  He repeated the question.  Would I go to prom with him?  Holy crap.  HOLY CRAP!  The word yes flew out of my mouth before I could think to say it.  Sam chuckled.  He said that he would love to be my date and he knew we would have a great time.

Now that Sam and I were going to prom together, I had a whole new set of problems.  Was he going to expect a hook up like every other cliché couple on the planet?  Did I want to?  Did I still even want to be with this man?  Every fiber in my being wanted us to go to prom together and have him realize that I was the one he was supposed to be with.  We would dance and then kiss and then he would make me his girlfriend and we would be together!  It was perfect.  All I had to do was make him fall in love with me.  My great grandmother said that the best way to a man's heart was through his stomach.  Now ladies, if you have never cooked a day in your life, I would recommend a trial run before you run forward with a basket of spirit cookies.  Sam is the main reason that I learned how to bake.  I made cookies. I made brownies. I made cup cakes with writing on them.  Soon it was like some weird tradition.  After lunch in English class, he would nudge me with his foot.  This was the signal that he was ready for his treat.  Soon other guys in class wanted some as well.  It rolled over into the girls and it became like a competition.  Who could get to me first to try to get my delicious goodies.  Naturally I would always give Sam first pick and it seemed as if this finally created the special bond that I was always wanting us to have.  He would start to seek me out at first bell to make sure I packed something special.  Then it turned into something a little more.  He seemed less concerned with what I brought and more concerned with my person.  How was the drive to school?  Did I figure out that one math equation?  Had my little sister finally stopped bugging me to borrow that one top?  The end of my senior year was starting to wrap up nicely.  I was going to prom with my crush. I had my college experience all planned out. Sam was slowly starting to fall in love with me.  Things couldn't have been better.

This is typically the point in the story where the shit hits the fan.  Unfortunately, this is not that time.  Maybe if something bad had happened it would have saved a lot of heart ache.  I digress however.  Prom went with out a hitch.  I looked great.  Sam was handsome in the tux I helped him pick out.  Julie's date ended up backing out and so to be kind and show that there were no more hard feelings, I told Sam that if he wanted to, he should dance with Julie.  They danced a few slow songs and all seemed right with the world.  We went back to my friends house for after prom party and I was anxious.  This was the night that they all spoke about.  Everyone lost their V-card on this day.  Was I to follow suit and have this night be THE night?  No, no it wasn't.  After all the time and baking I had put in, Sam interest level in seeing me naked seemed the equivalent of him wanting to knit a sweater.  At this point in the evening I had already made up my mind that I would tell him no but it doesn't hold the same impact if the guy isn't attempting to take off all your clothes!  I even tried to tempt him a little by making out with him.  Nothing.  What a let down, this night was just like any other night.  Except we were in fancy dresses and now were all sleeping in one room.  As I sat there staring at the ceiling,  I kept trying to think of what I had done wrong.  Why wasn't Sam wanting to be with me?  Hadn't I done everything right?  Wasn't I the girl he had been waiting for?  I could hear him starting to snore.  Unbelievable.  I swore to myself, Monday would be different. 

It wasn't.  In fact, almost everyday was the same. Soon I began to wonder if I was stuck in some time loop.  One day after school, I had enough.  I walked right up to Sam and asked him what his problem was.  Why didn't he want to kiss me?  Hell, why hadn't he tried to do anything with me after prom?   Hadn't I proven what kind of girlfriend I would be??  What did it take to get a guy to fall in love with a girl????? Sam was very flustered, as would any person in that situation I suppose.  He said that the main reason that he hadn't tried anything was because he was still kind of hung up on Julie.  I could feel my eye start to twitch.  Are you freaking kidding me?!  After all this time and energy, Julie was still a factor.  She had moved on by then to this other guy and they were involved on a whole different level.  Why was he waiting around?  Sam said he knew it was stupid but he just had to make sure that there was definitely nothing between them.  I reminded him that she was dating someone else.  He said he was aware and that he was going to make one final attempt with her and if she still blew him off that he would finally close the chapter on her.  I clenched my hands into fists.   I was on a new level of anger that I didn't know even existed.  I told Sam everything that I had done.  I let him know that I felt taken advantage of and why would he even try to make me think I had a chance!  He just looked at the ground and said he was sorry.  I wanted to slap him and say that he wasn't sorry yet but he would be...I just didn't have the courage.  I just looked at him and said I was sorry too.   As I turned and walked away, tears ran down my face.  I swore that it would be the last time that Sam ever hurt me.  I could not have been more wrong...